Emotional intelligence is a huge driver of success
When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it
served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average
IQs outperform those with the highest IQs 70 percent of the time. This
anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ
was the sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the
critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the
pack. The connection is so strong that 90 percent of top performers have
high emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the “something” in each of us that is a bit
intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social
complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it
difficult to measure and to know what to do to improve it if you’re
lacking. You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as
the one that comes with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book, but unfortunately, most such tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed
the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order
to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What
follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
1. You have a robust emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can
accurately identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36
percent of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled
emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and
counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand
them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While
many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,”
emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel
“irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more
specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how
you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
2. You’re curious about people
It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or extroverted,
emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone around them.
This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant
gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what
they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have about
them.
3. You embrace change
Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly
adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat
to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking
just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these
changes occur.
4. You know your strengths and weaknesses
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just understand emotions;
they know what they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also
know who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and
people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know
your strengths and how to lean into and use them to your full advantage
while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.
5. You’re a good judge of character
Much of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness;
the ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and
understand what they’re going through. Over time, this skill makes you
an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You
know what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those
that lie hidden beneath the surface.
6. You are difficult to offend
If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for
someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally
intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a
pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people
make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line
between humor and degradation.
7. You know how to say no (to yourself and others)
Emotional intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control.
You delay gratification and avoid impulsive action. Research conducted
at the University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more
difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you are to
experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is a major
self-control challenge for many people, but “No” is a powerful word that
you should unafraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally
intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m
not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing
commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
8. You let go of mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their
mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes
at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to
adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to
walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long
on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about
them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies
in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This
creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
9. You give and expect nothing in return
When someone gives you something spontaneously, without
expecting anything in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For
example, you might have an interesting conversation with someone about a
book, and when you see them again a month later, you show up with the
book in hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships
because they are constantly thinking about others.
10. You don’t hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are
actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your
body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to
stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When
the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but
when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks
havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over
time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding
onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease.
Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally
intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a
grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your
health.
11. You neutralize toxic people
Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for
most. But high-EQ individuals control their interactions with toxic
people by keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a
toxic person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify
their own emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the
chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able
to find solutions and common ground. Even when things completely
derail, emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person
with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
12. You don’t seek perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their
target because they know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our
very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always
left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or
reduce your effort. You end up spending time lamenting what you failed
to accomplish and should have done differently instead of moving
forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and what you will accomplish
in the future.
13. You appreciate what you have
Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t
merely the right thing to do; it also improves your mood by reducing the
stress hormone cortisol (in some cases by 23 percent). Research
conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who
work daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experience improved
mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of
cortisol play a major role in this.
14. You disconnect
Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because
it helps you to keep your stress under control and to live in the
moment. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose
yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline
and even–gulp!–turning off your phone gives your body and mind a break.
Studies have shown that something as simple as an email break can lower
stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the
expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult
to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an email with the
power to bring your thinking (read: stressing) back to work can drop
onto your phone at any moment.
15. You limit your caffeine intake
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of
adrenaline, which is the primary source of a fight-or-flight response.
The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a
faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing
you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt email. When
caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of
stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life
ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out
of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and
they don’t let it get the better of them.
16. You get enough sleep
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to
increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels.
When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the
day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so
that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that
their self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they
don’t get enough–or the right kind–of sleep. So, they make sleep a top
priority.
17. You stop negative self-talk in its tracks
The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you
give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that–thoughts, not
facts. When it feels like something always or never happens, this is
just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the
frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people
separate their thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of
negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.
18. You won’t let anyone limit your joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from
the opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own
happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something
they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take
that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to
what others think, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and
you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no
matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes
from within.
