Dealing With Angry People

 

 By: James Manktelow

Learning How to Defuse Tense Situations

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain, American writer.

How many times have you had to deal with an angry person?

Perhaps a customer was unhappy with a poor delivery, a colleague was annoyed because you were given a project she wanted, or a supplier was upset because of a late payment?

It's easy to get flustered or upset when you're confronted with an angry person; and, if you don't know how to respond, you can easily make the situation worse.

However, when you respond calmly and with empathy, you can stay in control, and you can defuse the situation in a professional, courteous way.

In this article, we'll look at several strategies that you can use to deal with angry people.

The Importance of Dealing With Angry People

It's important to know how to deal with angry people for a number of reasons.

Firstly, you can calm them down, so that they don't take any action that harms you or others – either physically or emotionally. In doing this, you can break the emotional "spirals of escalation" that can cause so much harm, and you can solve the underlying problems that have caused the anger.

Secondly, if you respond angrily to someone else's anger, you can easily end up being seen as the aggressor yourself. This is disastrous if you're in a customer-facing role.

Thirdly, by responding well to angry people, you can build positive relationships with them, and you'll experience less stress and unhappiness as a result of dealing with them.

Finally, when you respond calmly to angry episodes, you set a good example for others. Your behavior can inspire the people around you, which can transform a team's ability to deal with anger.

Types of Anger

We all know what normal anger looks like.

However, people can sometimes suppress the visible signs of anger but seethe with fury under the surface. In these cases, anger can be expressed in quite subtle, "passive aggressive" ways.

Passive-aggressive anger is common in the workplace, and signs of it include the following:

• Pretending not to hear or understand requests.
• Avoiding involvement, or acting "distantly."
• Spreading gossip or rumors  , or telling hurtful jokes to retaliate.
• Obsessing.
• Sulking or withdrawing.
• Engaging in self-defeating behaviors, or setting others up for failure.
• Behaving secretively.
• Ignoring others.
• Demonstrating an "angry smile."

Be alert to passive-aggressive behavior, and use these same strategies to deal with it.

Strategies for Dealing With Angry People

It's useful to know how to calm angry people down. When you can defuse someone's anger, it can enhance your professional reputation, and it can help you deal with people who struggle to manage their emotions.
Use the strategies below to deal with angry people.

Stay Safe, and Involve Others

If you feel threatened by an angry person, trust your judgment. Leave the room immediately if you feel unsafe, or if you're too upset to resolve the situation on your own.
Ask your boss or a trusted colleague to work with you to resolve the situation. It might also be appropriate to report the incident, if the person is completely out of control.

Don't Respond With Anger

It's very natural to get upset when angry people confront you, regardless of whether their anger is justified. You feel under attack, and your body floods with "fight or flight" hormones, which can lead you to become angry yourself.
Do your best to respond calmly and intelligently when you face angry people. Learn how to manage your emotions  , and practice deep-breathing  , so that you stay relaxed during tense interactions. If you feel yourself getting upset, politely take a break from the conversation and go for a walk to calm down.

Distance Yourself Emotionally

Sometimes, another person's anger has nothing to do with you. When you recognize this, it can have a major influence on how you cope with the situation. A 2012 study found that when people understood that they didn't cause another person's anger, they weren't upset by the situation.
Perhaps a team member received some bad news, and is taking his negative feelings out on you; perhaps he feels overwhelmed by his workload or his personal life; or, perhaps, this person is subconsciously using anger to make himself feel better. If you can recognize this, you can distance yourself from the anger emotionally, and you'll find it much easier to cope with it.
(At times, however, you may be the cause of another person's anger. Here, it's important to take responsibility for your actions: don't distance yourself.)

Identify the Cause

Next, you need to determine why the person you're dealing with feels angry.
Use effective questioning techniques   or the 5 Whys   method to get to the root cause of her anger. Encourage her to explain why she feels angry, don't interrupt her while she speaks, and keep on asking questions until she's fully explained herself.

Try to see things from her perspective as she expresses her feelings. Use active listening  , so that you really listen to what she says.

When it's your turn to talk, speak slowly and calmly, lower your vocal tone, and use non-threatening body language  . This will often encourage others to calm down.
Try not to use generic statements, such as, "I understand how you feel," or, "That sounds really frustrating." Instead, use specific, clear statements that rephrase what the other person has said (don't overdo this, or do it in a thoughtless, formulaic way). It's also important to communicate with empathy  .

For example, if your colleague says, "I needed that report last week and you've been ignoring me," you could say, "So, you feel that I neglected you when you needed information from me, is that right?"

Demonstrate an interest in resolving the situation, and try not to judge the other person's behavior – this shows respect. Think about the last time you felt angry, and remember how you wanted to be treated in that situation.

Pursue a Solution, and, Ideally, Apologize

Once you have understood the situation, try to avoid making excuses or defending your actions (or those of your team or organization). Defensiveness can make others feel even angrier than they are already.

Instead, ask what you can do to resolve the situation and make things right.

Tip:

If you or your organization are at fault, then think carefully about whether an apology would expose you to a significant risk of liability litigation. If it wouldn't (and people sometimes over-emphasize this risk), then apologize   appropriately.

In many cases, this will calm the situation down and give you the opportunity to rebuild the relationship with the other person. (It will be much harder to rebuild a relationship if you don't apologize.)

Distract Them

One way to defuse a person's anger is to focus his attention on something else. One 1998 study found that rumination increased feelings of anger, while distraction can decrease them.
You can do this with laughter, if it's appropriate – it's impossible to laugh and be angry at the same time. A funny joke, an online video, or an amusing blog post can take someone's mind off his anger.

People who experience intense levels of anger might be unwilling or unable to change the subject, however, and you may annoy them further if you try to get them to focus on something else. This strategy will likely work best with people who are only moderately cross.

Help Them Control Their Anger

Angry outbursts from someone on your team can affect the whole group's productivity and morale.

Become a coach or mentor for these people, and encourage them to learn how to control their anger. Our articles "Coaching to Develop Self-Awareness"   and "Helping Your People Develop Emotional Intelligence"   can be useful here.

Practice Defusing Anger

If you work in an emotionally demanding role  , chances are that you have to deal with angry people regularly. This "emotional labor"   can be particularly draining, especially when people are not equipped to handle these situations.

Use role-playing  , so that team members can practice dealing with angry and upset customers. They'll also benefit from developing emotional intelligence  , good communication skills  , and assertiveness  .

Note:

Our articles on "Dealing With Unhappy Customers"   and "Delivering Bad News"   offer further guidance on how you and your team members can learn to cope with anger in specific situations.

Communicate How You Feel

You may work or live with a person who frequently experiences angry outbursts. If so, once the anger has passed, it's important to communicate how this person's anger makes you feel.
Try to avoid accusatory "you" statements, which can make the other person feel angry and defensive. For example, if you say, "You upset the rest of the team when you yell and scream during meetings" to someone, he's likely to feel angry.

Instead, be respectful but assertive   with the other person, and use "I" statements to communicate how you feel. For example, you might try "I feel upset and frazzled when you yell and scream during meetings, and it makes it hard for the team to come up with good solutions."

Key Points

Anger is a universal emotion, and, no matter what you do, it's important to know how to deal with angry people calmly and assertively.

Start by finding the root cause of their anger by asking open-ended questions. If you or your organization are at fault, apologize appropriately (but be careful of liability issues), and work on finding a solution. Ask them what you can do to resolve the situation.

Try not to get angry yourself. Stay calm, speak slowly, and use non-threatening body language. A calm, rational response can go a long way toward calming angry people down.

Source: Mind Tools

Don’t let anger control you

By Chris Hart 

Do you get angry?

Not easy to control it, is it? That’s because anger is driven by parts of your brain that take no account of logic.

It’s intended to help you defend yourself from an attacker, but can really get in the way in other situations!

The key to managing anger is to be aware of your emotions, rather than being swept along by them.

Calm people get just as angry as everyone else. They just respond differently; observing their anger rather than being driven by it.

That’s not the same as suppressing your feelings. That just creates problems that simmer for years, boiling up again whenever you’re stressed. Instead, managing anger means considering things from a different perspective.

Anger’s not always bad. It tells people that your values are being violated. And that you’re serious — because anger’s hard to fake — and willing to fight even if you get hurt.

So it can inspire you to confront an injustice, as well as to defend yourself. And that’s its best use — fighting for something important to your community or family; not bullying people just to get what you want.

MANAGE YOUR ANGER

So learn to be more aware of your emotions. Watch, especially, for situations that make you angry.

It doesn’t matter why something bothers you, just recognise that it does and figure out how to manage it. Like starting to see your partner’s irritating behaviour as an interesting problem to solve, rather than thinking ‘You can’t treat me like that!’

And if you do start to feel angry? Acknowledge your feelings, but stay in control. Pause before you act.

Consider the situation from every angle — and start to plan. For example, maybe you’re angry because you suspect your partner’s been unfaithful?

Instead of instantly confronting them, evaluate the situation. How did you hear about it? Is it really possible? What evidence can you confront them with? What do you want them to say? And don’t automatically assume the worst.

What if it’s not you but someone else who’s angry? Don’t respond with anger. Just calmly hearing them out could be all that’s needed.

And try to put yourself in their shoes — they might have been dumped or lost their job. Be clear and concise. Use simpler words. Use their name. Make them feel that you care about their problem.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there’s no way to get through to someone who’s furious.

So just let them vent and get it out of their system. Once they’ve done that, they’ll probably be reasonable.

What if that person is your spouse? Well, the same rules apply — with the added bonus that we’re more easily aroused when our emotions are raised! Anger makes you bolder and heightens desire.

So learn to mix lots of humour, smiles and laughter into quarrels with your spouse — and lots of touching. Then you’ll probably end up in bed together — and what could be better than that?!

Anger Management.

Williams' 12 Strategies for Controlling Aggression

                                              Use relaxation to manage your anger

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain, American author

All of us experience anger from time to time. It's a normal, commonly experienced emotion.

However, anger can be incredibly destructive if we don't know how to control it. Frequent or misplaced anger can hurt our reputations, destroy our relationships, limit our opportunities, and even damage our health.
In this article, we'll look at what anger is, and what its consequences can be. We'll also look at 12 strategies that we can use to control anger and aggression.

Understanding Anger

According to psychologist T.W. Smith, anger is "an unpleasant emotion ranging in intensity from irritation or annoyance to fury or rage."

Every day, we can experience things that could make us angry. Common causes include feelings of:

• Frustration.
• Hurt.
• Harassment.
• Injustice, regardless of whether real or perceived.

Other causes include:

• Requests or criticisms that we believe are unfair.
• Threats to people, things, or ideas that we hold dear.

People experience anger in different ways and for different reasons. Something that makes you furious may only mildly irritate someone else. This subjectivity can make anger difficult to understand and manage. It also highlights that your response to anger is up to you.

The Dangers of Anger

An appropriate level of anger energizes us to take proper actions, solve problems, and handle situations constructively.

However, uncontrolled anger leads to many negative consequences, especially in the workplace. For instance, it can damage relationships with our bosses and colleagues; and it can lead people to lose trust and respect for us, especially when we react instantly and angrily to something that we've misperceived as a threat.

Anger also clouds our ability to make good decisions and find creative solutions to problems. This can negatively affect our work performance.

Frequent anger poses health risks too. One study found that people who get angry regularly are more likely to suffer from coronary heart disease, eating disorders, and obesity. Research has also found a correlation between anger and premature death. Further studies have found that there is a link between anger and conditions such as anxiety and depression.

Managing Anger

We manage anger when We learn to defuse it before it becomes destructive.
Below, we've outlined 12 strategies that you can use to control anger when you experience it.

1. Acknowledge That you Have a Problem

If you find it difficult to manage your anger, the first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you have a problem.

You can then make a plan to deal with it.

2. Keep a Hostility Log

Do you know what causes your anger? Chances are, you don't understand why you react angrily to some people or events.

Use following  hostility log worksheet to monitor the triggers and the frequency of your anger. When you know what makes you angry, you can develop strategies to channel it effectively.

What made you angry?	How did you respond?	Was this justified?
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

3. Use Your Support Network

Let the important people in your life know about the changes that you're trying to make. They can motivate and support you if you lapse into old behaviors.

These should be give-and-take relationships. Put some time aside every day to invest in these relationships, especially with close friends and family. You need to be there for them, just as they're willing to be there for you.

You can alleviate stress when you spend time with people you care about. This also helps you control your anger.

4. Interrupt the Anger Cycle

When you start to feel angry, try the following techniques:

• Yell "Stop!" loudly in your thoughts. This can interrupt the anger cycle.
• Use physical relaxation techniques like deep breathing   or centering  .
• Count to 20 before you respond.
• Manage your negative thoughts with imagery   and positive thinking  .
• Close your office door or find a quiet space, and meditate   for five minutes.
• Distract yourself from your anger – visit your favorite website, play a song that you like, daydream about a hobby that you enjoy, or take a walk.

Another approach is to consider the facts of the situation, so that you can talk yourself out of being angry.

To use this strategy, look at what you can observe about the person or situation, not what you're inferring about someone's motivations or intentions. Does this situation deserve your attention? And is your anger justified here?

When you look only at the facts, you'll likely determine that it's unproductive to respond with anger.

5. Use Empathy

If another person is the source of your anger, use empathy   to see the situation from his or her perspective.

Be objective here. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.

6. See the Humor in Your Anger

Learn to laugh at yourself and do not take everything seriously. The next time you feel tempted to lash out, try to see the humor in your expressions of anger.

One way to do this is to "catastrophize" the situation. This is when you exaggerate a petty situation that you feel angry about, and then laugh at your self-importance.

For example, imagine that you're angry because a sick team member missed a day of work. As a result, a report you were depending on is now late.

To catastrophize the situation, you think, "Wow, she must have been waiting months for the opportunity to mess up my schedule like this. She and everyone on the team probably planned this, and they're probably sending her updates about how angry I'm getting."

Obviously, this grossly exaggerates the situation. When you imagine a ridiculous and overblown version of the story, you'll likely find yourself smiling by the end of it.

7. Relax

Angry people let little things bother them. If you learn to calm down, you'll realize that there is no real need to get upset, and you'll have fewer angry episodes.

Regular exercise   can help you relax in tense situations. When possible, go for a walk, or stretch and breathe deeply whenever you start to feel upset.

You will also feel more relaxed when you get enough sleep   and eat a healthy diet.

Dehydration can often lead to irritability too, so keep hydrated throughout the day by drinking plenty of water.

8. Build Trust

Angry people can be cynical. They can believe that others do things on purpose to annoy or frustrate them, even before anything happens. However, people often focus less on you than you might think!

Build trust   with friends and colleagues. That way, you'll be less likely to get angry with them when something goes wrong. You'll also be less likely to attribute the problem to malicious intent on their part.

To build trust, be honest with people. Explain your actions or decisions when you need to, and always keep your word. If you do this consistently, people will learn that they can trust you. They'll also follow your lead, and you'll learn that you can trust them in return.

9. Listen Effectively

Miscommunication contributes to frustrating situations. The better you listen to what someone says, the easier it is to find a resolution that doesn't involve an angry response.

So, improve your active listening skills  . When others are speaking, focus on what they're saying, and don't get distracted by formulating your response before they've finished. When they're done speaking, show that you listened by reflecting back what they have just said.

10. Be Assertive

Remember, the word is "assertive," not "aggressive." When you're aggressive, you focus on winning. You care little for others' feelings, rights, and needs. When you're assertive, you focus on balance. You're honest about what you want, and you respect the needs of others.

If you're angry, it's often difficult to express yourself clearly. Learn to assert yourself   and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, and issues. When you do, you'll find that you develop self-confidence, gain respect, and improve your relationships.

11. Live Each Day as if it's Your Last

Life is short. If you spend all of your time getting angry, you're going to miss the many joys and surprises that life offers.

Think about how many times your anger has destroyed a relationship, or caused you to miss a happy day with friends and family. That's time that you'll never get back.

However, you can prevent this from happening again – the choice is yours.

12. Forgive and Forget

To ensure that you make long-term changes, you need to forgive people who have angered you.
It's not easy to forget past resentments, but the only way to move on is to let go of these feelings.

(Depending on what or who is at the root of your anger, you may have to seek a professional's help to achieve this.)

So, start today. Make amends   with one person that you've hurt through your anger. It might be difficult, but you'll feel better afterwards. Plus, you'll be one step closer to healing the relationship.

Tip:

These strategies are only a general guide. If anger continues to be a problem, you might need to seek the help of a suitably qualified health professional, especially if your anger hurts others, or if it causes you physical pain or emotional distress.

 

Key Points

Anger is a powerful force that can jeopardize your relationships, your work, and your health, if you don't learn to manage it effectively.

To manage anger, acknowledge that you have a problem, keep a hostility log, and build a support network based on trust.

Also, use techniques to interrupt your anger, listen, empathize, be assertive with others, and learn to relax, as well as laugh at yourself.

Finally, don't let anger get in the way of the joys in life, and learn to forgive people that who make you angry.